The Proof Against Vegetables

I don't eat vegetables. Know why? Because vegetables don't exist.

Let me repeat that. Vegetables do not exist.

There is no such thing as a vegetable. As a noun, "vegetable" is a scientifically undefined word that is not used in the proper categorization of food. "Vegetable", as an adjective, merely means "related to plants", as in "vegetable kingdom". As a result, anything plant-related can be labeled as a vegetable.

So, clearly, fruits would be vegetables if vegetables existed. Does the saying, "Eat your vegetables and vegetables" make any sense? No, it's fucking ridiculous. Everyone knows that fruits and vegetables are two separate things...except they aren't.

Also, pot would be a vegetable if vegetables existed. In fact, if marijuana's proponents were smart, they would market weed's properties as a vegetable to the government in order to get the hippy-lettuce legalized. Everyone knows that vegetables are good for you, right? Therefore, weed is good for you. Ergo, it should be legal. Wow, that was really fucking easy and now I want to smoke a bowl. NORML, you can thank me later.

You know what else can be classified as a vegetable? A chair made out of wood. Do you really want to have a soup with parts of a chair in it? No, I didn't think so but you might if you ordered "vegetable soup" at Ikea.

But wait, I can hear some of you crying out in anger now, "But carrots, green peppers and onions are all vegetables!" BZZZZT! Wrong! Carrots are a plant with an edible TAPROOT. Green peppers are a FRUIT. Onions are a plant with an edible BULB.

Therefore, the only rational response is to say that "because anything plant-related can be labeled a vegetable, such a broad definition is meaningless and therefore nothing should be labeled as a vegetable." Thus, vegetables don't exist and all of you who claim to like to eat vegetables don't know what the hell you are talking about.