Osama bin Laden killed by Angry Birds

May 1, 2011

Washington, D.C.-- In a surprise press conference Sunday night, President Obama announced that the terrorist mastermind of 9/11, Osama bin Laden, had been killed by Angry Birds, the wildly popular mobile gaming application that is taking the world by storm. During the brief press conference, the President did the "Tiger Woods fist pump" and said, "Fuck yeah!" while chest-bumping Secretary of Defense Gates before explaining that bin Laden's addiction to Angry Birds allowed the U.S. to track bin Laden's location through the GPS coordinates bin Laden's iPhone was sending to Apple.

"Through the efforts of our intelligence community," the President said, "we were able to engage bin Laden in several games of Words with Friends. Once we had gained his trust, we recommended that he try this new game called Angry Birds. My family loves Angry Birds. I play it all the time to avoid dealing with the economy, health care, or federal budget crises. I knew that once bin Laden was addicted to Angry Birds, he would mistakenly leave his iPhone's GPS tracking feature turned on. Sure enough, Apple called us earlier today to report bin Laden's location and we sent him a real angry bird, ifyaknowwhatImean. Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!"

When asked to elaborate on how the CIA had located bin Laden's Words With Friends username, the President replied, "Well, we figured he would have a name like, 'Death2America' or '9-11FTW' and we were right. It wasn't that hard to find him actually after one of his family members uploaded a picture of him to Facebook and tagged him in it. Clearly, they are as confused by Facebook's constantly changing security settings as we are."

When asked how the U.S. had identified the body, the President explained, "We found his iPhone nearby, still operational and logged into his Words With Friends account. Those new iPhone cases are fucking amazing. We nailed that fucker with a precision-guided missile and the phone still works. Unfuckingbelievable. Can't get a signal in New York City but it can survive a missle strike. Apple ought to put that in a commercial."

After the press conference, the President was overheard asking DefSec Gates, "Does Gaddafi have an iPhone? We totally need to send him one if he doesn't."

Casey Brown © 2011
Originally published on Facebook on May 1, 2011 at 11:35 P.M. ET (i.e., just as President Obama was beginning his announcement)